Nothing like doing things backwards!

Work Story # 21

He introduced me to a lady this morning and said, "Hey, this is our new English Teacher.  Please get her whatever she needs!"  So, I gave her keys and resources for her classroom.  After she left my office, he came in and held up 3 BLANK reference checks and a BLANK hiring form and said, "Guess I better get these done, huh?!"

My internal dialogue at the moment: Oh, wonderful!  I just gave someone keys and textbooks who hasn't even been hired yet... Infact, we don't even know that she'll pass her background check!  Heck, the district doesn't even know we are trying to hire her.  Lovely!

We need more square footage around here....

Work Story #20

He was talking to some of our school district big wigs and saying how he thought we should turn one of our classrooms into cafeteria overflow seating.  He explained, "By turning that classroom into cafeteria space, it doesn't necessarily add square footage, but it certainly adds square seating."  

My internal dialogue at the moment: hmmm, square seating huh?!  And what exactly IS square seating?  And secondly, how are the district big wigs not laughing at you right now?!

Hold your skirts ladies....

Work Story # 19

I was talking to one of the female teachers today.  She was telling me that last year she was walking to her car in the staff parking lot, and the wind flipped her skirt up.  He happened to be walking by and said to her, "Hey it's a good thing I'm a leg man."

My internal dialogue at the moment I heard this story:  How has this man seriously never been sued?  Are you kidding me?!  Who says that!!!

Oh don't worry... I don't have to catch a flight today!

Work Story # 18

Yesterday I had to leave work early at 1:15pm to catch a flight.  I had 4 days worth of work to finish before I left!  I had a stack of papers that he needed to sign before I left, so I called him into my office and said I only have 3 minutes to get this all done, and I've got to go, or I'm going to miss my flight!  He, instead of immediately signing the papers, sat down in the chair, leaned back and began talking about how much he loves traveling!  

My internal dialogue at the moment:  Are you kidding me?  I'm over here shaking from working so hard to finish everything, and I don't CARE if you like San Francisico!  I want you to sign the freaking papers so I can catch my flight!!!  CLUELESS!!

how many states are in the US?

Work story # 17

He was talking to me about how it's not fair that AZ has reciprocity with 16 states for fingerprint clearance cards and how one of our teachers cannot start teaching yet, because his fingerprints were cleared from 1 of the states that AZ doesn't recognize... He said to me, "I just don't understand why we have reciprocity with 16 states and don't recognize the other 16."  

Internal dialogue at the moment: Hmm... since when has the US only had 32 states?  

wow, that's a lot of people!

Work story # 16

We have something called "Opening Day" that the school district holds at the beginning of the year.   EVERY staff member from EVERY school in the district comes together for a pep rally sort of event to get everyone excited about the new school year.  We have 4 schools, with approximately 200 employees per school, which would be a total of 800 employees.  He said to a teacher, "I don't know how we're all going to fit in that ballroom at the hotel.  There will be at least 5,000 employees there."

My internal dialogue at the moment: Wow, 5,000 huh?  Apparently math is not your forte!

But I don't want to lose my job....

Work Story # 15

He was telling me about a quiz  that one of the Administrators put together for all of the students during the 1st day of school.  The quiz contains questions about the student handbook.  He said, "I think it's a really great quiz.  I just hope the kids don't think that if they fail the quiz, they'll lose their JOB." 

My internal dialogue at the moment: hmmm... I didn't know kids could lose their JOB by failing a quiz they took at school about the student handbook!

e-mails....

Work story # 14

He reprimanded a teacher in an e-mail that he had carbon copied ALL of Administrators in the WHOLE district!  

Internal dialogue at the moment:  Well, that's one way to piss off a teacher.

The left hand turn....

Work Story # 13

He was talking to a teacher about making a left hand turn at a busy intersection near the school. He said "I'm always patient and wait before I turn there."  The teacher said, "I just never try to turn there" and  he said, "Yeah, me neither." 

My internal dialogue at the moment: Hilarious!  So, just so I can clarify...  have you, or have you not, made left hand turn there?   

Did you know i created that?

Work Story # 12

2 years ago I worked really hard to set up an automated answering system for the school, so that when parents called they could listen for different options of departments they could talk to and press the number to be sent through to that person.  I worked for about 3 weeks on making it work perfectly and most people in the office know I created it!

Yesterday he said to me, "I don't know if you were here, but about 6 years ago I created the automated answering system for the school." 

My internal dialogue:  Alright, here's the deal... If you're going to lie and tell someone you did something,  you probably shouldn't tell the actual person who did it!  Come on!

I love mediations... we apparently do them almost EVERYDAY!

Work story # 11

He was meeting with a parent and said, "Last year we had 83 mediations between students, and they were ALL successful."  

My inner dialogue at the moment:  Okay, there is NO WAY we had 83 mediations in 1 year.  We usually only have 1 a month (which would be a total of 12 per year!).  Besides, you can't keep track of where you left your soda, why would you be able to keep track of the exact number of mediations we had?!   Next time you're going to make a number up, try saying a number that's a little more realistic so you don't look like a total idiot again. 

Who's Julie?

Work Story # 10

A dad of one of our students walked into his office to meet with him about a discipline issue.  When the dad walked in, He asked the dad, "So is Julie your wife, or your STEP wife?"

My internal dialogue at the moment: Step wife?  Really?  How does that even work?

Where's Hawaii Again?

Work Story # 9

He was talking to all of the staff at our Christmas Luncheon and said, "I'd like to take a survey. Who is going the farthest for vacation over the break?  I am going to Hawaii.  Is anyone else GOING OUT OF THE COUNTRY?"  Everyone started laughing, and he NO IDEA WHY.

My internal dialogue at the moment:  Maybe everyone is laughing at you because Hawaii is NOT out of the country.  Come on, really??

The true test of what makes someone racist...

Work Story # 8

I was showing him the yearbook page where the students had asked him what his favorite drink was.  The caption under his pictures said, "My favorite drink is a Chai Latte."  I said, "That's not your favorite drink.  You ALWAYS get Black Tea Sweetened," and he said, "I know, but I didn't want to say the word BLACK because I didn't want people to think I was racist."

My internal dialogue at the moment: Come on, REALLY?!

Should he really be able to talk on the PA system?

Work Story's # 7

The following story takes place during last year's Phoenix Suns Basketball season.

He was supposed to get on the PA to announce a VERY important announcement.  After the student council kids had done the flag salute, and made their morning announcements, he got on the PA system and immediately started talking about how he was so excited that the Phoenix Suns had won the basketball game the night before and how they had come back in the fourth quarter.... blah, blah, blah.  I sat in my office, listening over the PA, nodding my head in disbelief, as minutes passed, and he was STILL talking about basketball--- and OVER THE PA!  Who does that?!  Oh, and PS, he never even touched the "important announcement."  I had to get on the PA after him to say it.

My internal monologue at the moment:  Note to self-- DO NOT ASK him to make important announcements over the PA unless the announcements have to do with the Cardinals or the Suns!

Does anyone know where the New Al Pateta meeting is?

Work Story # 6

I was looking through his calendar, and noticed that he had typed the following appointment: 5:00pm- Do the welcome speech at the "New Al Pateta" meeting in the cafeteria.    

My internal monologue at the moment:  Translation: MU ALPHA THETA meeting!  That's hilarious!

Where did all my quarters go?

Work Story # 6

I have a little jar in my desk drawer where I keep quarters for sodas.  A couple weeks before the following story happened, I started noticing that my quarters were disappearing, so I stopped re-filing my jar.... Okay, here's comes the story: 

I was sitting at the conference table in my office working on something.  He walked in and asked if I had any money for a soda.   I said, "No, sorry... I don't have any money."  He then proceeded to walk over to my desk and open the drawer where I kept the jar of quarters!  My mouth was wide open in astonishment that he was going through my desk, right in front of me, and that he knew where I kept my quarters!  

My internal monologue at the moment:  First of all, I just told you I didn't have any money, and secondly,  how did you know I keep quarters in that drawer?!   Then a couple seconds later it dawned on me...  So, that's where all my quarters went!   gggrrrr

Apparently, stories are always better when more people die!

Work Story # 5

We had a Senior Assembly, and he got up in front of the Seniors and said, "In my career, I have had 8 students die driving in their car while ditching school.  (Which I asked him about once before when I thought he was lying, and he said, "yea, well, maybe it's more like 2 or 3" and laughed!)  But he said it AGAIN!  

My internal monologue at the moment:  Hmm, You've worked at this high school for 4 years and we have NEVER had a student die, while driving a car and ditching school... and before this, you worked at a junior high for 9 years...  You know, the last time I checked, junior higher's can't even drive!  So, have you really even ever had a kid die while ditching school?

I don't know what the letter says....

Work Story # 4

He and someone from the district office sat in my office and asked me to type a letter as they dictated it to me.  The letter was for one of our student's parent who we had been having issues with.  Both "He" and the district office person contributed equally to what the letter said.  

The next day, I overheard him talking on the phone with the parent.  He said, "The district will be mailing a letter to you soon with their decision for your son."  When the parent asked what the letter said, he answered, "I'm sorry, but I really have no idea.  I've never even seen the letter.  The district has not shown it to me.  They said they would mail me a copy when they mailed you yours."  

My internal monologue at that moment: Hmm... I'm pretty sure I remember you dictating that letter to me while i typed it!   And last time I was in your office, it was sitting on your desk.

Can anyone keep a secret these days... geez!

Work Story # 3

We were having a very expensive motivational speaker come to speak to the kids one day.  The reason why he was so expensive was because at the end of his speech, he would have one of the Phoenix Suns basketball players come out, as a surprise!  I told him, over and over again, to please not tell ANYONE about the surprise and how crucial it was to this motivational speakers performance that nobody know.  

Well, at the Faculty meeting, the morning of the assembly, he got on the microphone and told all of the faculty that he was super excited about the assembly he has planning (Which, by the way, I PLANNED IT) because one of the Suns players was going to come out at the end and surprise all the kids.   

As the kids were filing into the gym for the assembly, they were all talking about which Suns player they thought was going to be there!  

My internal monologue at the moment:  I'm glad I just spent $3000.00 of our school budget on a lame assembly that was ruined by YOU!   

I have more e-mails than you do!

Work Story # 2

He was talking to a teacher about e-mails, and the teacher was talking about how many e-mails she had in her inbox.  He quickly shot back, "I know how you feel.  I have 167 e-mails right now."  I thought that seemed really high, so I proxied over to his e-mail inbox, and he only had 61.  

My internal monologue at the moment:  Hmm, apparently the more e-mails you have, the more popular you are!  Who would have known!?  Hey, whatever makes you feel better about yourself!

Attention all coaches... Come on in. Let's talk sports!

This is for those of you who know what I deal with at work.  In order to protect the person I am about to unveil, he will remain nameless.... :)  The things he says are worth telling!  He is my own personal Steve Carell... ENJOY!  

Work Story # 1

One of the teachers was sitting in his office, asking him questions about her class.  At the same time, there was a coach sitting in my office.  When he saw the coach, he cut off the teacher in his office, (mid-sentence) and said, "Hey coach!  Come on in" and started a conversation with him about the Arizona Cardinals.  The teacher looked over at me, with a facial expression stating "Are you kidding me right now?" 

My internal monologue at the moment:  Yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel!

My very first blog...

So, It's official.  I've been talking about doing this for a long time, and since so many of you have asked me to create a blog, I'm doing it!